My Radical Self-Discovery Journey: How To Rebuild Your Identity as a Solo Mom

The phone in my hand was cold. Lifeless. Hopeless. An accurate representation of my actual marriage, not the fantasy I’d built up in my mind in an effort to avoid what I could no longer deny: we were over.

A lifetime of memories ticking away with the second hand of the clock. Hopes and dreams and future plans crumbling around me like so many bricks of a building, until I was standing amongst the ruins on the wooden floor of a kitchen that no longer felt like mine.

I stood in a room, in a home, on land, that represented the culmination of a life lived together; every remodel and decor choice a gentle blanket covering a harsh truth neither of us wanted to face.

Nothing was different. Nothing would ever be the same.

I gripped the phone which did not belong to me, and resolved to open my heart to the life that now definitely did.

Radical self-discovery isn’t about finding a new hobby or pursuing a “glow up.” It’s a gritty, rebellious overhaul of a script you’ve adhered to out of obligation into the life you were designed to live; a deep, systematic shift in identity.

Reclaiming My Identity After Being a Stay At Home Mom

“Who am I?” The question danced in my head for days, weeks, following the crash of that cold October evening in my kitchen.

“Who am I? What do I want?”

For years, I had stuffed all thoughts of being happier beneath Christian quotes designed to encourage fellow saints through difficult times:

“God cares more about your holiness than your happiness.” Well, that seemed apparent.

“Turn the other cheek.” Even when your feet are swept out from underneath you?

“Forgive and reconcile.” But is that always wise?

God hates divorce. God hates divorce. God hates divorce. God hates divorce.

I’d spent so many years putting up guardrails against who I shouldn’t be, what I shouldn’t do, that I’d forgotten to remember this was my one life. That it was, in fact, mine.

Rediscovering How to Feel Like You Again

My body no longer felt like mine. I had used it in service to my children for so long, I forgot that I could take ownership of it, that I had to. I’d stopped working out, I’d quit nourishing myself, I gave up the idea of wearing clothes that made me feel like me, and my skin was furious and inflamed with uncontrollable patches of eczema that belied all of the stress I pretended I didn’t feel.

I was out of touch with my personhood in a way that only a mom can ever truly understand… I’d been showing up for my life not because I wanted to, but because there were three other souls who needed me to.

I was a wife because I said yes when I was 23 years old and got the tattoo to prove it.

I was a mom because my body carried and delivered three tiny, amazing little humans.

Staying home, building a homestead, homeschooling my babes… it all felt one dimensional. I was there but I wasn’t. I was there, but what if I didn’t want to be? Yes, I was there but being there, now, was no longer an option.

Shedding the Weight of Silent Expectations

Realizing that I’d spent so many years out of touch with myself, sent me into a tailspin of radical self-discovery. When the life you cultivated out of the expectations of others rips apart at the seams, there’s nothing to do but pivot with fierce resolve.

As a result, I made 3 mindset shifts very early on in my divorce journey:

1. I would be the main character in my life. Never again would someone else steal the show. For far too long, I was who I thought I should be. And in so being, it cost me everything. From this day forward, I would take control and step into the leading role.

2. Healing isn’t optional. I would be intentional, deliberate, and fiercely protective of my healing journey. It would encompass every part of me- mind, body, and soul- and it would be completely and totally mine.

3. No one else gets a say. For too long, I’d allowed someone else to tell me who I was. Voices in my home, in my church, in my past deciding for me. Too much, never enough, forever behind, always falling short. Not anymore.

Radical Self-Discovery Begins with an Identity Audit

If you’re just beginning to rediscover yourself after divorce, here are some questions to ask yourself to help you strip away the old script and get back to you.

1. Title Test: If I were prohibited from using the terms “single mom”, “ex wife”, or “homeschooler”, how would I introduce myself to a stranger?

2. Past Passion: What is the one hobby, interest, or “weird” obsession I silenced over the years because it didn’t fit the aesthetic of my life as a stay at home wife and mom?

3. Your Authentic You: Think back to the version of you when you were most confident? 18? 19? What was her favorite song? Her vibe? What was she most proud of? If you could describe her with a “life mantra” what would it be? Is she still in there?

4. Sitting in Silence: When the house is completely quiet, what is the first thing that enters your mind? Is it a to-do? Is it a to-be? How does the silence make you feel?

5. Emotional Inventory: Which emotions have I been performing for the sake of others, and which ones have I been hiding in the shadows for fear of judgement? If I couldn’t lie, and someone asked me what I liked about my old life and what I didn’t like, what would I say?

Discover and Build Your Solo Mom Mindset

One of the most difficult parts of the divorce journey for me, personally, was transitioning from a “let’s figure this out together” to a “it’s all on me” mindset. Mostly because I’d spent the last 15 years of my life handing the reins over to my other half.

I do not like making decisions, so allowing my then husband to do so for the both of us felt like the easiest decision to make.

Here’s how I learned how to take back control of my life:

From Managing a Household to Leading a Sanctuary: Redesigning Your Home

For many months following my divorce, I tried to recreate the life that we had been living despite missing pertinent characters: namely a father who lived with us and the 50+ animals we had to rehome off the homestead.

My children had lived a handful of precious years as country kids running barefoot on six acres of land. Suddenly, we were renting in the middle of town with nothing more than a square, fenced in backyard in which to explore.

To say we were all feeling displaced is an understatement.

It wasn’t until I flipped the script that life started to make sense for us again. It wasn’t about trying to fix what was broken, or replace what had been stripped away… it was about redesigning the kind of life we wanted to live from this moment forward.

I didn’t want to just keep the house running smoothly. I wanted to recreate a safe space for us all to land, feel, and heal.

Embracing the Find Out and Figure Out mindset

It takes a lot of simple resolve to face the grind of learning out loud as a single mom. As I approached this new stage of life, I decided to embrace the struggle, get excited about the unknown, and surrender all of the things that were outside of my control.

Three key takeaways to consider as you find out and figure out for yourself:

1. Give yourself grace for your mistakes: reframe your failures as researching and collecting data. This is the first time you’ve ever lived as a divorced single mom, why should you know exactly how to do it?

2. Take pride in your radical competence: picture me, two years of single momming under my belt, sitting around a bonfire with several married women, listening to them describe their husband’s week long absence as “killer” and declaring they wouldn’t know what to do if he’d had to leave longer.

I don’t begrudge any woman wanting and needing their man. But in that moment, I was proud to be the kind of woman who knew exactly what she was capable of. Building resilience after divorce was a happy byproduct of a life come undone.

3. Stop apologizing for the mess: You cannot figure out a new life while trying to maintain the perfect aesthetic of the old one. I spent so much time comparing myself to the other moms around me, my friends who were still married, still living the lives that they’d built together with their partner, and feeling less than because I couldn’t make it match.

The fact is, our family dynamic is now radically different. And if you need an afternoon of grounding and soaking up the sun instead of fixing the perfect dinner or folding laundry, no apologies necessary.

Radical Self-Discovery Involves Protecting Your Peace with a Radical “No.”

The truth of the matter is simple: your peace is going to be fragile for awhile following your divorce, so learning how to put up boundaries through a well timed “no” is pivotal.

Five things you should learn to say no to without apology:

1. Keeping up with the Joneses: It took me awhile to remember that I could not do all the things that I once did with my married friends. The income I always relied on now performs double duty between two households. Saying no to many “extras” in lieu of financial peace is a must.

2. Over-extending yourself: For a long time I would feel guilty for not teaching classes at our co-op, or not signing up for every meal train that came my way. I’d feel ashamed for not having the capacity to take on even one more responsibility. Until one day, I just didn’t anymore. Because the truth is, having a solo mom mindset means learning how to prioritize ruthlessly.

3. Remaining in circles you’ve clearly outgrown: This was a hard no to learn. I spent a year torturing myself, trying to fit in with the community I’d once called mine back when I was married. The fact is, divorce has a way of shaking things up and shaking them down, and not everyone can handle the heat that comes from a life being burned to the ground. I know you want to fit in. But if you feel like you don’t belong, say no anyway.

4. The invitation to date too soon: The biggest mistake I made as a newly single mom is jumping into a relationship with a man who promised to “fix my life”. Looking back now, it all seems so obvious. But when you’re in the thick of the battle, the temptation to allow someone else to be your “hero” is strong.

Say no. Give yourself time. Sit in the heavy, sit in the silence, sit in the fear of the unknown. Well timed words and a warm bed will not solve your problems, and saying yes to the wrong person will actually just create more. Ask me how I know.

5. Comparison/Jealousy: When I got married, I assumed it would be for life. When I had children, I resigned myself to this commitment in a whole new way, happiness be darned. And when my marriage ended, I thought that what I wanted more than anything in the world was to be married again. I was immediately jealous of everyone who was.

Girl. Say no to that ish.

I know it’s unorthodox and it isn’t what I set out to create, but now I love not knowing what every week, every month, every year of my life is going to look like. I was once ashamed of being a single mom. Today, I feel incredibly lucky that a byproduct of the single mom life is the wild unknown of my future and the solitary control I have over creating it.

I’m Still in the Trenches and I’m Discovering That’s Okay

Learning out loud is one of the bravest things you can do as you embark on your own radical self-discovery after divorce journey. It means figuring it out as you go instead of waiting until you know what you’re doing. It’s the simple resolve to heal honestly. It’s the determination to live a slow life, being present even when it’s difficult.

Life Keeps Life-ing and That’s the Beauty of Radical Self-Discovery

This week, I took a hit. I was in the early stages of a new relationship when it soured seemingly out of nowhere and took the wind out of my sails.

The silence of my phone was deafening. The void in conversation was heavy. I’d only known him a couple of months and yet it felt like another loss, another failure.

Except that it wasn’t.

Having walked through fire, this was a minor inconvenience of standing a little too near an open flame. I had the skills to give myself exactly one day to mourn the “what might have beens”, to recognize the mood dip was actually my ADHD brain going through withdrawal from the dopamine hits his text messages gave me, and to shift myself back into emotional regulation.

Living and learning is just part of it. And every low is another lesson.

Whatever you might be going through right now, your willingness to work with it rather than resist it, will determine your peace. That’s simple resolve in the trenches. That’s learning out loud in real time.

The Discovery Audit to Get You Moving Into Your Find Out and Figure Out Stage

Your future is ready to be discovered. I encourage you to sit with one of these questions when you next enjoy a quiet cup of coffee:

1. Get Curious: What is one thing I’m curious about right now that has no productive value and how can I explore it?

2. Boundary Challenge: What is one thing I can say no to this week, that I’ve been saying yes to out of obligation, that would make my future self proud?

3. Joy Experiment: What mundane part of my day can I make into a sacred moment with a rebellious act of romanticizing the ordinary?

4. Bold Move: If I weren’t afraid of looking like an imposter, what is one thing I’d do for myself tomorrow morning to honor the me I am and am becoming?

5. Simple Resolve: What is one promise I can make to myself tonight- and keep- before the sun rises tomorrow morning?

The Simple Resolve Manifesto to Inspire Your Own Radical Self-Discovery Journey

I am no longer performing for a script I didn’t write.

After 15 years of striving to live a life that never quite felt like mine, I am choosing the beautiful, gritty reality of the “unknown.” My life may have been doused in gasoline but I am the one who decided to light the match.

I resolve to:

• Prioritize Peace over Production: If the house is messy but my soul is quiet, I win.
• Heal Honestly, Not Quickly: I will not rush my body through the grief. I will sit in the dark of the pain until it turns into light.
• Lead my Sanctuary with Grit: I am the designer of this home. I have a 100% success right in figuring my life out, and it won’t stop now.
• Savor the Sunrise: I will protect the slow, the peaceful, the quiet in a faithful act of self-stewardship.
• Embrace the “Learning Out Loud”: I don’t have to be an expert to be confident in my capability. I’d rather live authentically than aesthetically pleasing to everyone else.

This isn’t about being a superhero. It’s about the Simple Resolve to stay present in the middle of the grind. I am a single mom. I am an overcomer. I am rediscovering who I am. And I am exactly where I am meant to be.

The script is flipped. The sunrise is here.

Join the Sunrise Village!

I’m working on a “Survival to Sanctuary” 7 Day Reset for solo moms who are ready to begin their own rebellious overhaul and reclaim their identity. If that’s you, sign up here and I’ll send you the cheat sheet immediately.